What can we learn from lived experiences of bereavement?
An article written by Nathan MacArthur
When a new counselling client enters my room, the most common question they ask is if their experiences of grief and bereavement are ‘normal’. They question whether they are thinking and acting as other people do, and if the intensity of their feelings is appropriate given how long it’s been since their loss. The participants in my research felt similarly unsure about how to make sense of their own experiences of bereavement and this often led to a sense of disconnection from others. The aloneness they felt because of the death and physical absence of a loved one was compounded when their experiences of bereavement didn’t match their own expectations or those of the people around them. They often appeared to be striving to find a ‘goldilocks zone’ of emotional responses to loss – not ‘too much’ emotion that it might appear as if they were unable to cope, and not ‘too little’ that doubts were raised about the significance of their relationship with the person who died.
Alongside experiences of disconnection from others, participants shared examples of moments or relationships which helped them to feel supported. This included connecting with others with whom they felt some sort of affinity, a sense that this was a person who ‘gets it’, either through having had a similar experience or because of their ability to listen and empathise. Maintaining an enduring relationship or a ‘continuing bond’ with the person who died was also an important source of comfort or solace. As was the ongoing recognition of their loss, including the continued importance of the person who died, by the people around them.
Participants’ stories provide us with guidance about how we can improve our own practices of bereavement support. They demonstrate the diversity of experiences of bereavement and the importance of listening carefully to make sure we understand the unique needs of the person in front of us. Support works best when it’s flexible. We might need to attend to emotional and practical challenges simultaneously. For example, helping someone with the administrative tasks which follows a death, like changing the name in which a bank or utility account is held, also requires an empathic response which recognises the emotional impacts of ‘erasing’ the name of the person who died from the world. Ensuring that support is available to accompany people over time, recognising that the impacts of loss may persist and that needs may evolve, are also essential components of helping those experiencing bereavement feel seen and connected.
The challenges participants highlighted, especially difficulties around knowing what is ‘normal’ in bereavement, motivated me to do more to improve my practice of bereavement support. I began collaborating with another specialist grief counsellor to host a series of webinars which provide information about the realities of grief and bereavement and offer opportunities to connect with others who ‘get it’. A recording of our free 50-minute webinar, ‘An Introductory Guide to Grief’, is available to watch now.
One of my intentions in completing this research is to contribute to the voices of bereaved people being included in the literature. Of course, no single journal article can do justice to the 36 stories I was privileged to hear through this study. My hope is that this article might provide some insight into the diversity and complexity of the lived experience of bereavement and shine a light on the importance of building and maintaining a sense of flexible connectedness as a means by which we can improve support. To learn more please read my article ‘Bereavement affinities: A qualitative study of lived experiences of grief and loss’.
Nathan MacArthur
PhD Candidate, Centre for Social Research in Health, UNSW
Specialist Grief Counsellor and Accredited Mental Health Social Worker, Sydney Grief Counselling Services